People-Pleasing as a Symptom of Childhood Trauma
A constant need to please others is not the same as natural generosity.
People-pleasing behavior can be the result of childhood emotional injury and trauma.
Parents with symptoms of certain personality disorders demand that the children put the parents' needs first.
People-pleasing behavior is driven by fear and is different from generosity driven by self-expression.
Children raised by unhealthy parents are often trained to please their parents above pursuing their own interests and proclivities. Significantly impaired parents, such as those suffering from symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and other serious mental illnesses, often traumatize their children if they do not do what they want. This often occurs through parents lashing out at their children when they are not pleased. These children grow up to be adults who consistently put the well-being of others ahead of their own. They do not do this out of generosity. Instead, they do this to feel safe. Allowing generous people to be generous to you can create a healthy bond, but allowing people-pleasers to please you can create a trauma bond and retraumatize those who are trying to please you.
Healthy individuals whose personality predisposes them to be generous with others enjoy the experience of sharing with others. They offer their time and other resources to others and feel closer to others when their generosity is accepted and reciprocated. They are not significantly impacted when others decline their generosity. In many cases, they give anonymously, which makes them feel closer to humanity. Donations to special groups such as the homeless, veterans, cancer survivors, etc., are common examples. The giver generally does not meet the recipient. People who volunteer their time at soup kitchens, fundraisers, or fighting fires are other common examples. These individuals offer their resources to anyone who might need them. They don’t seek recognition because the satisfaction comes from self-validation. They are expressing the best part of themselves, and it makes them feel good to do so.
People-pleasers have a different motivation and a different method. Most people-pleasers are motivated by fear. Many of them grew up in families where if they didn't, please others they were either punished, rejected, or ignored. This often occurs when children are raised by a parent or parents with symptoms of personality disorders. For example, parents with symptoms of BPD tend to lash out at their children when their child fails to please them. Parents with symptoms of NPD tend to ignore their children when they don’t, please them.
These children often grow up to be people-pleasers as adults. They generally approach others feeling they need to please them to be safe or accepted. When others are not pleased, they become fearful that they will be punished or abandoned. They need to know that others are pleased by them, so anonymous giving does not satisfy them. They need to be recognized or celebrated when they give to others.
There are many ways that people give to others out of fear. They present gifts to individuals in person, or they leave cards or notes with their signature. They expect that for others to like (love) them, they must consistently put the feelings and needs of others above their own. They do this because they have been raised to believe that they will only be loved for what they give and not for who they are. Almost all people-pleasers have low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem please themselves first most of the time.
Allowing generous people to give to you is healthy. If you fall and a random stranger offers you a hand, take it. If you are hungry, go to a food kitchen and let them feed you. This gives healthy people a chance to do something that makes them feel good. They will not ask anything of you in return.
Allowing people-pleasers to please you is unhealthy. Allowing others to give you gifts, services, or other resources without reciprocity confirms to them that they are only worth what they can offer to others. It repeats the patterns of behavior that resulted in the development of people-pleasing, and therefore it is enabling. It may also be retraumatizing to the person if their childhood experience was traumatic.
Refusing to allow a people-pleaser to please you is giving them a gift. It gives them the chance to experience someone accepting them and wanting to be with them for who they are, not for what they can give. The sample conversation that follows models how you can turn an unhealthy enabling experience into a healing and growth opportunity.
Jeff and Ray went to high school together. They hadn’t seen each other since graduation, and they reunited at their 10th high school reunion. Jeff was very happy to see Ray, but he quickly remembered that he was uncomfortable being around Ray because of his constant efforts to please. In the past, he just let Ray keep paying for things and yielding to all his choices and whims because it was easier than arguing, but this time he decided to handle it differently.
Ray: Great to see you again, Jeff. How about you and your wife come to dinner? I will cook you the best dinner you ever had.
Jeff: How about we go to a restaurant?
Ray: Sounds great. You pick the place, and I will treat.
Jeff: I am sure you know some wonderful places.
Ray: OK. What do you like to eat?
Jeff: It is not about what we eat. I just want to catch up with an old friend.
Ray: Nobody has ever spoken to me that way before.
Jeff: You deserve to be treated this way.
If you are a people-pleaser, you will do well to take a chance and let others like you for who you are without pleasing them first. It is the only way that you can experience healthy relationships. It is possible that some people might lose interest when you stop giving. You should focus on cultivating relationships with those who don’t. Relationships with individuals who punish you if you don’t, please them are unhealthy and possibly abusive and should not be tolerated.
Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D.,
