Owning Mistakes as a Perfectionist

How negative thinking hinders our relationships.

• Perfectionists' negative thinking patterns contribute to their need to be perfect.

• Taking responsibility for one's mistakes tends to improve relationships.

• In learning how to tolerate their mistakes, perfectionists need to learn to trust others.

  
  

Most of us dislike being criticized, whether the feedback is direct or indirect, as in the form of unsolicited advice. Some of us hate negative feedback so much that we skew it in our minds, complaining about its presentation and even the presenter when, in reality, we wish to banish it forever.

Perfectionists struggle mightily with feedback. Sometimes, they even criticize themselves as a way to shield themselves from its blades: "I know I'm bad; but, please don't hurt me." They may fluctuate between denial, usually for something big, and exaggeration, usually for something small: "Oh, I’m the worst." Both tools, or coping mechanisms, are meant to protect one's self-image and social standing. The problem becomes evident: There's no growth.

Perfectionists struggle with several cognitive distortions. They tend to think in black and white, so they may believe that you either control or are controlled. They tend to personalize and overgeneralize, believing they're a terrible person for doing something unethical. They may catastrophize, terrorized by the idea of being abandoned for their innate badness. And they disqualify the positive, remaining certain that they're defined by their misdeeds because their good ones don't count. Yet, for any healthy relationship to work, there has to be a high degree of accountability.

This means that perfectionists will have to explore why they want to be perceived as perfect in the first place and the effectiveness of their employed strategies. Perfectionism tends to connote control, security, self-esteem, admiration, and harmony. Yet, in reality, it means few of those things. Control is often perceived as overbearing, denial fosters rebellion and rejection, admiration falls apart under scrutiny, and harmony follows the path of entropy. At bottom, perfectionists don't allow themselves to be human.

This means that humans admire and are admired in return. They share responsibilities. They empathize when they've caused harm. And they allow themselves to be vulnerable. Yet, perfectionists struggle with tolerating frailty, in themselves as well as in others. The question most asked by perfectionists: Won't they dislike me if they know who I really am? Like anything else, it depends. First, it depends on the general degree of tolerance of the other individual, in addition to their interests, values, and preferences. And, it depends on the overall image of what you have to offer. Because perfectionists tend to overperform, they usually build up so much goodwill that, contrary to their expectations, their employers, colleagues, and loved ones, feel relieved by their visible imperfections, now discontinuing to compare themselves to them and or feel immense internal pressure to meet their standards.

Perfectionists also struggle with thinking, "What have you done lately?" And they often believe they're starting over with each new experience. Their deeds must be immaculate. However, most others tend to view us on the whole, meaning they tally up our successes and our failures while noting how we address each of them.

The first step in addressing perfectionistic anxieties is attempting to cultivate an alternative perspective. Ask yourself: Is it possible that others don't expect or want me to always be perfect? Do they prefer I acknowledge my mistakes? Will they take advantage of me if I do? The last question is the most important because it elicits an exploration of what people are for and if they can be trusted. Perfectionists are often rugged individualists because they tend to think the worst of others, which is usually just a reflection of how they see themselves. To them, safety matters more than anything and they perceive most interpersonal risks as inevitable failures, again thinking poorly of themselves and others. Attempting to persuade them otherwise is frequently met with fervent resistance.

Therapy is often misunderstood as a means of cultivating positive thinking. However, fundamentally, therapy is about asking: Is my mental health struggle contributing to my perception of the world? For our patients, that may become the biggest mistake owned. For some, it's a relief to know they can now freely exhibit more personal aspects of themselves. While for others, there's a sense of grief and shame over the lives not lived. But, to take responsibility isn't the same as accepting blame. Blame says, "You deserve your punishment." Responsibility asks, "How can we make this better?" The latter accounts for all of the factors of a predicament, those which are and aren't in your control. It's aid, which you may believe is a disguise for mistreatment.

Leon Garber, LMHC - Blog