Oversharing and Childhood Parental Trauma

The effects of persistent parental lashing out, gaslighting, and betrayal.

• Oversharing can be associated with parental emotional abuse.

• In adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse, oversharing can be driven by fear or need for validation.

• Sharing in relationships for these reasons can create vulnerability and suboptimal functioning.

Adult survivors of childhood parental trauma often engage in oversharing. This contrasts the under sharing that is often seen with survivors of other types of traumas. Specific types of childhood trauma teach and condition children to overshare by punishing these children for not sharing. As adults, these individuals routinely overshare, which results in a compromise of their interpersonal effectiveness.

Survivors of most traumas, especially those who suffer from significant symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), do not like to talk about their traumatic memories because doing so retraumatizes them. As they recount events in which they were victimized by a crime, had a near-death experience, etc., they relive it and experience high levels of anxiety and intrusive recollections. These individuals very often avoid talking about their thoughts and feelings in general, as a way of avoiding being triggered by reminders of their traumatic event or events.

Adult survivors of childhood trauma from exposure to frequent emotional abuse from a parent suffer a special type of trauma. Some parents who are compromised by symptoms of a personality disorder, such as borderline (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), lash out at their children when they are emotionally dysregulated. This sometimes takes the form of a direct verbal attack on the child’s developing character. Other times it takes the form of gaslighting, lying, and betrayal.

Parents with symptoms of these disorders also struggle with interpersonal boundaries. As a result, they are uncomfortable with other people having private thoughts or feelings. This manifests as a persistent demand that their child share their experience whenever the parent inquires. The following dialogue between Shey and her mother is a common example.

Mom: What were you just thinking about?

Shey: Nothing in particular.

Mom: I saw you make a face.

Shey: It had nothing to do with you.

Mom: You can’t wait to get out of here. You hate me.

Shey: That is not what I was thinking.

Mom: I’m your mother. I know what you are thinking and feeling.

Shey: I was actually thinking about a scarf I saw at the store but it is too expensive.

Mom: You are so ungrateful. I wish I never had children.

In this sample dialogue, Shey’s mother “forces” Shey to disclose her inner thoughts and feelings by accusing her of the worst possibility. When Shey finally does disclose, her mother punishes her for resisting.

Many children of parents with significant symptoms of personality disorders are exposed to this sort of treatment frequently throughout their childhood. Many of them develop the habit of telling others what they are thinking and feeling before they are confronted. Adult children of parents with insufficient or absent boundaries often continue to habitually overshare their inner thoughts and feelings with others.

Over-Justification

One common form of oversharing is over-justification. People who grew up under circumstances similar to Shey's often disclose to others their reasons for making decisions without being asked to. Here is a sample dialogue that Shey might have gotten into with her friend that illustrates this tendency.

Dee: Shey, can you watch my cat this weekend?

Shey: I am sorry, but I have a dentist appointment on Friday and I am hosting a colleague on Saturday.

Dee: The cat doesn’t require much care. You can just come by my place in the morning and after dinner to feed her and change the litter.

Shey: I told you, I have plans all weekend.

Dee: Are you having serious dental problems?

Shey: No, I am going for a routine cleaning and exam, but I have to get groceries after.

This dialogue demonstrates one example of how oversharing can compromise social functioning. When asked about cat-sitting, Shey should have responded, “I am sorry, but I am not available this weekend.” By oversharing, Shey created an opportunity for Dee to scrutinize and challenge her reasons for not agreeing to cat-sitting.

Oversharing for the Purpose of Denormalization

Because of the natural egocentrism associated with the developing brain, children tend to believe that whatever occurs in their homes and their lives is what everyone experiences. They normalize their experience. As children get older and are exposed to other family structures, they begin to realize that most of their friends and peers are not emotionally abused by their parents. This makes them try to reconcile why their extended family, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., allow them to be treated harshly. Families of abusive parents either intervene or enable.

As adults, these survivors of childhood emotional abuse often continue the effort to share their traumatic experiences of childhood with others in an effort to experience someone who sees their experience as not being normal. They are validated by other people being surprised, shocked, or aghast at their recollections, even though it often retraumatizes them to recount. Survivors of war trauma, violent crime, etc. do not need this validation, as these sorts of traumas are acknowledged instantly by everyone.

Sharing one’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others is healthy when done for the purpose of bonding with another person. Sharing to avoid punishment or to validate abuse is not healthy. It is retraumatizing to the individual and it weakens them when their boundaries are challenged.

When the habit of oversharing is the result of repeated childhood parental trauma, healing of the traumatic wound is necessary to neutralize the habit. The oversharing in these individuals is driven by fear of being punished if they fail to do so. They were expected to do so without being asked. Healing this wound involves reprocessing the traumatic aspect of this symptom. This requires an understanding that while you were forced to overshare as children to avoid punishment, as an adult you will not allow anyone to punish you for enjoying your privacy. It will also guide you towards validating your own experiences rather than retraumatizing yourself by seeking validation from others.

Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D.,