How to Effectively Talk Back to Worries and Fears
Stop fighting your worries. Listen first, then evaluate. Here's how.
When challenging fears and worries, do not assume your anxiety is irrational. Be objective.
First write down the facts that seem to justify your fear. This is counterintuitive, but important.
Next, write every fact that suggests your worries are not justified. Be specific. Give details.
Do the math. How many times did your fear predict something correctly?
This post is part two of a series.
My previous post included the first three tips for effectively changing intrusive, anxious thoughts through creating a "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table." That post emphasized the importance of first listening to your upsetting thoughts. This post continues with the next three tips to effectively change intrusive anxious thinking.
Let’s quickly review tips 1 through 3.
Tip 1: Listen to your fears before jumping in to reassure or challenge them. Start by writing down your “Worries, Fears, Distressing Thoughts” in the left column.
Tip 2: Be detailed. Write specifically what your reacting brain fears or predicts. Write every fear and worry – regardless of how “silly” or “irrational” it may seem.
Tip 3: Then look below the surface. What supports your fears? What underlying beliefs or assumptions would make fear, worry, anxiety, or panic a justified, reasonable response?
In the left side of his Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table, Jonathan wrote his specific fears about his car (something is seriously wrong; every sound means there’s a problem and I will have an accident; I can’t trust the mechanic) and his general beliefs that made the specific fears seem credible (no one can be trusted, bad things happen all the time without warning, so you have to be alert for danger at all times).
After listening to your anxious thoughts and putting them into words, turn to the righthand column labeled “Facts, Evidence, Logic, Perspective.” Now you can begin to question and evaluate those pesky, repetitive, and/or frightening fears and worries.
These next three tips take you through powerful ways to convincingly challenge anxious worries and fears. I encourage you to work on your own personal “Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table” as you read along. Try these out and see what a difference they make.
Tip 4: Do not prejudge. Do not assume that your fear is irrational. Your job is to be unemotionally objective. You do this by paradoxically always first writing any facts that seem to justify the fear. After all, sometimes you are anxious because there is something to be anxious about.
Filling out the rows in his righthand column, Jonathan wrote, “Things can go wrong with a car.”; “Mechanics are human and human being can make errors.”; and “Not everyone can be trusted.”
Tip 5: Be detailed and specific. Be a little obsessive and pedantic. Channel your inner accountant. Now write every single bit of evidence that suggests that your fears and worries are not justified.
Jonathan did not simply write, “My car has not broken down.” His worry could respond by saying, “You’ve just been lucky.”
He wrote, “I have driven 88,543 miles in the 6 years I have owned the car. I have never had a car accident. The car has never stopped working. My mechanic keeps the maintenance up to date. I have no evidence that my mechanic has made an error or been untrustworthy. He does all the suggested maintenance. He has never overcharged me. He is always willing to explain what he has done and why.
Tip 6: Do the math. Use your phone’s calculator to compare how many times your fear said something was going to happen against how many times what the fear predicted actually occurred. Note: this is different from how many times you were scared. Look at the data.
When Jonathan did the math, he wrote, “I drove the car to and from work 5 days/week (that’s 10 times/week), 48 weeks/year (that’s a total of 480 commutes/year), for 6 years (2,880 total trips). My commute is 30 miles each way, so I have commuted 86,400 miles in this car. 86,400 miles – 0 accidents; 0 breakdowns.
"At least half the times I drove, I was convinced something was seriously wrong, so my worry convinced me 1,440 times that something was seriously wrong, but my car broke down 0 times and my mechanic found 0 unexpected serious problems. 1440 worries – 0 problems. My worry has been convincing and frightening and wrong 1,440 times in a row. That’s a terrible track record. I would not listen to someone who had been wrong – or who had lied to me – that many times."
Test-drive these tips
Pick an upsetting thought and create your personal "Fears vs. Facts Dialogue Table" following the suggestions above. Notice the impact on your emotions. See the difference between trying to ignore or deny a worry compared to writing about it following these tips.
References
McMahon, E. (2019). Overcoming Anxiety and Panic interactive guide. San Francisco, CA: Hands-on-Guide.
