3 Reasons to Forgive
Forgiveness, social connections, and our evolved psychology.
Forgiveness is often a more difficult process than we might expect it to be.
From an evolutionary perspective, forgiving others without holding them accountable would be problematic.
When appropriate, however, genuine forgiveness has all kinds of benefits for the forgiver and others.
Last I checked nobody's perfect. And social life often comes with some levels of conflict. A co-worker might hold it against you that you got a promotion, and they didn't—and their reaction to this situation might take the form of resentment and conflict. Your spouse might have gutted your checking account buying expensive jewelry without even thinking of consulting you. And that could lead to problems. Your sister may have failed to say thank you for helping her throw a surprise birthday party for her husband. Your best friend might insult your spouse in public after having a few too much egg nog at a holiday party. You might have a family member who cursed you out for no apparent reason in front of your spouse and children. One of your friends may have backed into your car in your driveway upon leaving one night and ended up totally denying it (even though you saw it happen clearly on the Ring camera). And so forth.
An unfortunate facet of the human condition bears on the inherent imperfections that we all carry.
When people transgress against us, we often don't take it well (see Geher et al., 2019). We often see transgressions, especially those that are directed at us and that are relatively severe, as hard to forgive. One of the main issues in navigating the sometimes-treacherous waters of the human social world pertains to these questions: When is something forgivable? And when has some act passed the boundaries of forgiveness?
Forgiveness in Evolutionary Context
From an evolutionary perspective, forgiving people too quickly and easily can be problematic. We evolved as a species in which reciprocal altruism, or the tendency to help others who have helped us in the past (see Trivers, 1971), is extremely foundational. In such a world, maintaining strong and positive connections is key. Having a broad network of people whom you can count on to help you (as opposed to cross you or exploit you) is key to a happy and successful life (see my and Nicole Wedberg's (2022) book, Positive Evolutionary Psychology).
As my co-authors and I argue in an article on the evolutionary psychology of forgiveness (De Jesus et al., 2021), forgiving others' transgressions against you without holding them accountable could ultimately hurt us by making us seem like doormats; such unconditional forgiveness would not have been selected by nature.
From an evolutionary perspective, genuine and deep (emotional) forgiveness really needs several stars to alight. The transgressor needs to see their role in the situation and take ownership. Feelings of guilt need to enter the picture. Genuine apologies, often including a public element, need to be made. And the victim of the transgression needs to be open to the possibility of forgiveness (which is, as you know if you are old enough to be reading this, not always the case).
This all said, forgiveness is one of these critical emotional processes in the human experience that, when appropriate, comes with benefits of various kinds. Below are three benefits of forgiveness based in work in the behavioral sciences.
3 Benefits to Forgiveness
Keeping social connections (see Geher & Wedberg, 2022). Humans evolved to live in small-scale societies surrounded by kin and familiar others. Losing social connections in such a world would clearly be both hurtful and, potentially, dangerous. While our social worlds have expanded since the pre-agrarian days, our minds have not evolved much past these times. For this reason, estrangements between people are still deeply painful (see Geher et al., 2019). Keeping social connections strong and healthy has always been a critical part of the human experience. Genuine forgiveness often helps with this process.
Establishing or maintaining a positive social reputation (see Geher et al., 2019). People who develop reputations as benevolent and forgiving tend to be admired and appreciated by others. Cultivating a reputation as someone who is forgiving is good for one's reputation. And a positive reputation is a huge key to success in the all-too-often treacherous waters of human social life. Forgiving others has mutual benefits in this way.
Emotional benefits (see Kim et al., 2022). In an emotional context, genuinely forgiving others has emotional benefits for the forgiver. Forgiving is ultimately associated with psychological health, reduced anger, and increased hope. It is not hard to see how this constellation of emotions can help us sleep better at night. Forgiveness, when appropriate, is an emotionally healthy experience.
Bottom Line
People mess up. We are all imperfect in varying ways and to varying degrees. And part of life includes getting hurt by others; this is an unfortunate fact of the broader human experience.
While humans did not evolve to forgive transgressions at the drop of a hat (see De Jesus et al., 2021), we did evolve with forgiveness as a tool to (a) help keep us connected to others, (b) help us cultivate positive reputations, and (c) increase the emotional well-being of ourselves and of others.
This time of year, as daylight continues to wane, if you're like me, you think about people in your world. And you might think about forgiving certain others with whom you've had some level of problems.
While forgiveness may not always be appropriate or even possible, all things equal, based on the behavioral-science data and ideas presented here, it seems that the benefits of forgiveness may ultimately outweigh the costs of holding grudges.
Glenn Geher, Ph.D., - Website -
References
De’Jesús, A. R., Cristo, M., Ruel, M., Kruchowy, D., Geher, G., Nolan, K., Santos, A., Wojszynski, C., Alijaj, N., DeBonis, A., Elyukin, N., Huppert, S., Maurer, E., Spackman, B. C., Villegas, A., Widrick, K., & Zezula, V. (2021). Betrayal, Outrage, Guilt, and Forgiveness: The Four Horsemen of the Human Social-Emotional Experience. The Journal of the Evolutionary Studies Consortium, 9(1), 1-13.
Geher, G. & Wedberg, N. (2022). Positive Evolutionary Psychology: Darwin’s Guide to Living a Richer Life. New York: Oxford University Press. (SOFT COPY)
Geher, G., Rolon, V., Holler, R., Baroni, A., Gleason, M., Nitza, E., Sullivan, G., Thomson, G., & Di Santo, J. M. (2019). You’re dead to me! The evolutionary psychology of social estrangements and social transgressions. Current Psychology. doi: 10.1007/s12144-019-00381-z
Geher, G., Di Santo, J., & Planke, J. (2019). Social reputation. In T. Shackelford (Ed.), Encyclopedia of Evolutionary Science. New York: Springer.
Kim JJ, Payne ES, Tracy EL. Indirect Effects of Forgiveness on Psychological Health Through Anger and Hope: A Parallel Mediation Analysis. J Relig Health. 2022 Oct;61(5):3729-3746. doi: 10.1007/s10943-022-01518-4. Epub 2022 Feb 21. PMID: 35190955; PMCID: PMC10120569.
Trivers, R. L. (1971). The evolution of reciprocal altruism. Quarterly Review of Biology, 46, 35–57.
